Category: faith, past, mistakes, weight loss, emotional eating, over weight, fat, unhealthy, child of God, created in His image, perfect love, fear, forgiveness, grace, pain, love, second chances, workouts

Stop Faking

Life is extremely hard right now. I am not a fan of being the sole provider in my home anymore. I thought I could handle doing it all. I pretty much have for the last 14 years by the grace of God. But this season is different. A part of me still thinks I can do it all & even wants to at least try to juggle the busyness of this season, which involves having 2 full time jobs. My rational is that God provided me this job & has me here for a reason. Therefore, He must want me to stay put at this new job while balancing my cleaning company. If this is His will then I will stay. The problem with that rational is that I don’t really know if its His will or not, so I am trying to do the best that I can in this season.

I am a follower of Christ, a single mom, an entrepreneur, a full time employee, & a crossfitter. God’s got me covered…right? Well at least that’s what I keep telling God, others, & myself anyway. I am grateful for the job & this season because I know God is doing something. This is true, but this is not my honest feeling about the circumstances in my life. This is the answer I think everyone wants to hear including God. That sentence above sounds all nice & pretty (the part about who I am). But the truth of that sentence is actually pretty ugly in real life. I am all of those things, but I am also tired! I am tired of juggling 2 jobs & paying all the bills alone. I am sick of being single. I am exhausted at least 5 days a week. The other 2 days I am zoned out & just happy I don’t have to go to work. I can hardly call myself a crossfitter due to the fact that I have barely worked out consistently in 3 months. I feel fat & squishy! That’s not a good feeling for me. I am easily angered & frustrated. I am overwhelmed, confused, & negative. I am trying to trust God thru this season & His provision. But it’s hard! My relationship with God has struggled in a different way & I don’t like it. I don’t like this season. This season feels like it has lingered around way longer than a season…. its been more like 10 months plus.

I am normally a positive person…more of the glass is half full type of woman. Right now I don’t feel so full of optimism. I feel alone & isolated due to this new job. All I do is work. I love working & being productive, but this is not the type of work for me that makes me feel alive. I work for a paycheck because that’s what a provider does for their family. I don’t want to spin my wheels chasing after a dollar or approval from others. I feel pressure to preform & meet others expectations of me. I feel like I am cut off from all my relationships Monday-Friday. I want to be free to pursue the things I love! I still want to work. I just want to work a job that makes a difference in the lives of others. I want to be able to sit outside, read a book just for fun, workout consistently, pursue the things God has placed on my heart, & enjoy the creation God has created for me to enjoy. I want to be available to my daughter & others when needed or wanted instead of saying, “Sorry, I have to work.” I am tired of being so stressed about work that all I can see is what I need to get done each day in order to make it thru to the next day. I am tired of feeling like if one thing goes wrong everything is going to fall apart. I know work is a part of life, but it feels like it is my whole life right now. I am trying to accept it as grace from God that I have this job & this season, but I don’t understand why He wants me to work a job that produces distance from Him & others. Is it because I haven’t had to work so hard in my past? Is it because of sin in my life? What is it God? Why have You brought me to this place that separates me from being in relationships, which I was created for?

I wish I had an answer, but I don’t. What I do have is a real faith in a real God who is sovereign. I may not know why I am going thru all of this, but I do know God will bring good out of it in His timing. I know that I have a Father in heaven that loves me & will get me thru this very tough season. I know He can handle my feelings that aren’t pretty & He can handle all my doubts & questions about this season & His reasons.

Relationships begin with us being honest about our feelings & needs. God doesn’t just want the feelings that we think we are suppose to feel or talk about. He wants the good, bad, & ugly. God created us to have needs & feelings. Most of my current feelings don’t feel like the “godly” thing to feel if I am trusting God. Why do we categorize feelings as good, bad, acceptable, godly, or ungodly? Feelings aren’t good or bad, right or wrong; feelings are simply feelings. It’s ok to feel all of them because God created us to feel things. Sometimes I forget that it’s actually ok to talk about the feelings that don’t feel so good. So, instead I tell people what I think I am suppose to feel or give them an answer that totally avoids the feelings all together. I do not trust God less or more because of the way I feel. Those feelings are to remind me that I need God. I was created with needs. I need God in order to survive this life on earth & all that comes my way. I also need other relationships with people in order to live fully.

I have a problem of trying to do everything myself because I don’t like feeling needy. The feeling of being in need makes me feel vulnerable. I hate it. I don’t do it very often because it makes me feel weird inside. However, these exact feelings are how I get to see God work in my life. I confess my needs & He provides. But first I must be honest with God & myself about what I need & my feelings instead of hiding these things or dressing them up with churchy clichés that sounds good. He already knows what I need & what I am feeling anyway…He just wants me to be honest & confess my need to Him.

I don’t want to fake it til I make it anymore. I want to be real with God & others about my faith, my feelings, my needs, & all of my junk. Lets be honest with God, others, & ourself from now on. I believe our relationship with God & others would be a lot more fulfilling & attractive to others if we would just be real. If we were honest with each other about all the junk in our life others would feel free to be honest too.

CAT

Everything Changes

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The season of life has been tough. I have struggled in every area of my life. I have struggled with my faith & trust in God, my relationships with others, my health, & my work & finances. All of these areas have changed thru this season of struggle to change. Change is inevitable.  It’s the one thing I can count on to happen throughout life. I do not like change. I am a very routine person. I like structure & order. It helps me organize my day in order to be productive. I feel accomplished at the end of the day when my “To Do” list is completed. But, on those days when something pops up that I did not plan for it wrecks my plan for that day. I feel anxiety & stress take over me. I hold so tight to my plan. I cannot see any good in the unplanned circumstance that just randomly popped up on my to do list. It can completely unravel my day, but for the most part I get thru it. 

Life changes are totally different. When my life circumstances change, my life as a whole changes. This can flip my world upside down if I don’t let go of my plan. I have gone thru some major changes this season. My 3.5 year relationship ended in January. My health took a turn for the worse. My faith had more holes in it than all golf courses in the tri-state area. I lost my main source of income, & I might have to sell my home. All of these things sound pretty bad on paper & can feel bad too, if I don’t look at them thru God’s perspective. In the beginning, I looked at these things thru my human eyes & my plan. These things didn’t fit into my plan. I cried, screamed, prayed & cried some more. Why God? Why were you letting these things happen to me? What did I do wrong? Where is the sin in my life that I am practicing or haven’t repented of? I asked God to show me the problem so I could make it right. I wanted things to stay the same. Change doesn’t always happen because I did something wrong…things just change it’s a part of life.

God has showed me that change is inevitable, but He is never changing. He is the same yesterday, today, & tomorrow. I can count on Him when my life circumstances change. He knew the change was coming. It was not a surprise to Him. James 1:17, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” He is in control of the change. And if I believe in Him, trust Him, & obey Him thru my life changes then I am safe. He also taught me that change is not bad even when it feels bad. That feeling is fear, which comes from the enemy. The enemy wants me to fear the things ahead instead of activating my faith in God by letting go of my tight gripped plan. Gods plan is the best plan. My plan is mediocre at best. Gods plan is a life journey filled with adventure & excitement. Change is scary. It’s an unknown path filled with all kinds of things that are unfamiliar. It’s not part of my routine or my plan. Therefore, I don’t want to step into this unknown area most of the time. I hold on to the things I am comfortable & familiar with. I don’t like being uncomfortable it makes me feel vulnerable both of those feelings produce fear in me. Fear of the change, but I know God & can trust Him through all these unknowns. I may not know the path ahead, but He does. When I hold onto my plan I miss out on the His best plan, blessings He wants to add to my life, & a life of abundance in Him.

Letting go this season has been hard. I have fought every single day to trust Him & trust His plan for my life. Gods word says He brings good out of all things even changes that seem bad…Romans 8:28, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Honestly, I saw the bad at the beginning of my changes, but God has showed me His goodness thru it. He blessed me in more ways than I could ever imagine by going thru this change. He added more than He took away. He gave me more than the enemy tried to plunder (destroy & strip of its possession). He filled in my faith holes with belief, trust, joyful obedience, patience, perseverance, & most importantly His love. It has been a long 7 months or so, but I can say it was worth the struggle, tears, & pain I had to go thru in order to change. I have more faith, my relationship with God has increased in love & trust. In the past 2 days, God provided me with a new job & tuition money to go to Downline in the fall. All of this literally came out of nowhere. He’s been telling me to wait on Him, quit striving, stop moving, let go, & be still, so I would know that He is God & I am not. I waited on Him & was kept safe. I went into the unknown with my faithful Father. He provided exactly what He knew I needed & so much more than I asked, thought, or imagined. He opened up the floodgates of heaven & poured out a blessing on me until there was no more need. Some of these blessings were tangible, but so many were intangible & worth every bit of my struggle to let go & step into this season of change. Change is inevitable, but how you choose to go thru it is a choice. Are you going to choose to trust God who is in control of the change & be blessed? Or trust yourself, hold tight to your plan & miss out on the blessings God wants to add to your life?

 

Father,

 

Thank you for showing me that change can be good because You bring good out of everything. Thank you for changing me thru this struggle & helping me to see things thru Your eyes. When I hold onto my plan I am basically telling You that I know what I am doing. I got this God. Forgive me for holding tightly to my own way. You are God & I am not! Thank you for being with me every step of this season. Thank you for the blessings that cant be taken away from me. You have added so much to my faith & relationship with You. I know these things are secure in You. Thank you for blessing me with a job & money to cover Downline. I wouldn’t change anything about this season. You know it’s been hard for me the entire time. Trust & fear are my biggest issues, but You showed me how mighty, loving, gracious, merciful, & forgiving You are towards me. You have given far more to me than was taken away. You give & You take away & both are blessings…all is grace. Thank you for loving me perfectly & pouring out your grace for me to see in a different light this season. Father, I love You & I trust You! I pray these things in Jesus Christ precious name. Amen.

 

 

 

 

Why Are You So Afraid?

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I am afraid of snakes, spiders, & tiny bugs that are hard to see. Most people are afraid of these things too…right? But, I am also afraid of just about anything going wrong in my life too. I am becoming more fearful with age. I thought wisdom came with age not fear? As a young child & teenager I was fearless for the most part & to a fault. I loved being outside, four wheelers, jet ski’s, high diving into a swimming pool head first, triple back flips off a trampoline, & breaking all the rules. I wasn’t scared of anything or anyone. Whereas, now I analyze everything with the possibility of something going wrong. I fear change of my circumstances & I sometimes fear people. I fear what others think of me. I fear not living up to the expectations of others. I fear I won’t measure up & at some point my best won’t be good enough. This causes me anxiety & steals my joy. Fear is paralyzing me. I am a believer who has been saved by the grace of God. He chose me, loves me, & protects me. He will never leave me or forsake me. So why do I have so many fears?

Fear is defined as something unpleasant, pain, anxiety, threat, dread, being afraid, & being unwilling or hesitant to do something. I feel all of those things on a daily basis at times. I fear losing income due to being self employed. I fear something bad happening to Savannah when I am not around her. I fear future events such as Savannah going off to college & leaving me all alone. I want to get married one day, but I love being a single mom to Savannah. We have a blast! But what happens when she goes to college? How will my life function without her? Will I be lonely & alone the rest of my life? Will she ever come home & see me? Will our relationship change? These are the crazy thoughts that run thru my head at times. These questions cause fear to bubble up inside me. What does God say about all these fears of mine?

God actually says, “DO NOT BE AFRAID!” “Do not worry about tomorrow…” God clearly says in the bible not to worry & do not fear multiple times. I think do not fear is in the bible 365 times. Do not fear is a command from God. Do I obey this command? Apparently not. It is a sin to worry & fear anything or anyone other than God. When I fear other things I am giving my fears more power than God. I might as well be saying that my fears are way bigger than your resources God. You can’t handle these problems. I’m in too deep. These are all lies from the enemy! God is way bigger than ANY problem or person causing me fear! He has all the resources I need. He knows exactly what’s going on in my life. Actually, He allows the storms to happen. God is in control of my storms. He is the ultimate authority. Therefore, He is the only One worthy of my fears. The disciples saw this first hand in Mark 4:37-41, And there arose a fierce gale of wind, and the waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up. Jesus Himself was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Hush, be still.” And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They became very much afraid and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey Him?” They became Very Much Afraid…afraid of Jesus because even the wind & the sea obeyed Him. God is in control of all the storms. If I believe this truth then I should not be afraid. I do believe it, but have struggled applying it in my life. 
It takes faith to believe the fear will come true. So why not activate my faith in God instead of my faith in my fears. I’ve prayed, “God I believe, but help my unbelief” pretty regular over the last 6 months.

Today, I read Jeremiah 30:10 “Fear not, O Jacob My servant,’ declares the LORD,
‘And do not be dismayed, O Israel;
For behold, I will save you from afar
And your offspring from the land of their captivity.
And Jacob will return and will be quiet and at ease,
And no one will make him afraid.” This verse spoke loud & clear to me about fear. God clearly told me do not fear or have anxiety, do not worry or be afraid of something bad or unexpected happening to you, do not be nervous about anything. He also told me that He is going to save me, rescue me, preserve me, keep me, and prevent anything from harming me. He revealed to me that once He saves me/rescues me from all of these circumstances going on in my life that His glory will be revealed (Isaiah 40:5). I will have freedom over worry, anxiety, & problems. No, He didn’t say that I would be worry free, anxiety free, or problem free. He said I will have freedom! I will no longer be paralyzed or held captive by these things. I will have freedom from the effects of my problems that arise in my life. He will work in such a way thru my current circumstances to reveal to me, confirm to me, & prove exactly who He is to me. So that I will not fear anyone or anything ever again. He is faithful. He is sovereign. He is my provider of all my needs. He knows that right now I need to know that He will come thru. I need to know that only He could have provided for me in such a way to reveal His glory to me & the rest of the world. When He accomplishes this I will be quiet (calm/still), at ease (free from anxiety & worry), & no one will make me afraid (tremble/fearful). I will only fear Him.

I am tired of being so afraid of everything. Life is meant to be full of peace & joy. Fear steals all the enjoyment out of life. Fear causes pain. Fear paralyzes me. Fear comes from the enemy. Fear causes me to doubt God. Fear tells me that God is a liar. The enemy is the liar! God is truth & CANNOT lie. His word is TRUE. His promises are REAL & TRUSTWORTHY. God has been telling me to Wait on Him. Every time I open the Word, get on FB, or someone sends me a text. It’s got something to do with waiting on The Lord, Be still & Wait, Cease from striving, let go, stop moving, rest, be still & know that I am God (Psalms 46:10). I prayed a few months ago for freedom of worry & anxiety when life flips upside down is beyond my control & that I would trust God to provide for Savannah & me. I asked Him to provide what we need & so that I would believe Him at His word without feeling anxiety & fear. I believe that He wants me to wait on Him & rest in Him while He is working behind the scenes on my behalf to provide for me what I need. I believe that to be true because His word says that He will provide all my needs (Phil 4:19). He knows I need freedom from my anxiety & fears. I believe He spoke so clearly to me today thru Jeremiah in order to confirm & reveal His promises to me. Therefore, I will wait on God & rest in Him while He works to reveal His glory to me. All honor, glory, & praise to Him!

CAT