Life is extremely hard right now. I am not a fan of being the sole provider in my home anymore. I thought I could handle doing it all. I pretty much have for the last 14 years by the grace of God. But this season is different. A part of me still thinks I can do it all & even wants to at least try to juggle the busyness of this season, which involves having 2 full time jobs. My rational is that God provided me this job & has me here for a reason. Therefore, He must want me to stay put at this new job while balancing my cleaning company. If this is His will then I will stay. The problem with that rational is that I don’t really know if its His will or not, so I am trying to do the best that I can in this season.
I am a follower of Christ, a single mom, an entrepreneur, a full time employee, & a crossfitter. God’s got me covered…right? Well at least that’s what I keep telling God, others, & myself anyway. I am grateful for the job & this season because I know God is doing something. This is true, but this is not my honest feeling about the circumstances in my life. This is the answer I think everyone wants to hear including God. That sentence above sounds all nice & pretty (the part about who I am). But the truth of that sentence is actually pretty ugly in real life. I am all of those things, but I am also tired! I am tired of juggling 2 jobs & paying all the bills alone. I am sick of being single. I am exhausted at least 5 days a week. The other 2 days I am zoned out & just happy I don’t have to go to work. I can hardly call myself a crossfitter due to the fact that I have barely worked out consistently in 3 months. I feel fat & squishy! That’s not a good feeling for me. I am easily angered & frustrated. I am overwhelmed, confused, & negative. I am trying to trust God thru this season & His provision. But it’s hard! My relationship with God has struggled in a different way & I don’t like it. I don’t like this season. This season feels like it has lingered around way longer than a season…. its been more like 10 months plus.
I am normally a positive person…more of the glass is half full type of woman. Right now I don’t feel so full of optimism. I feel alone & isolated due to this new job. All I do is work. I love working & being productive, but this is not the type of work for me that makes me feel alive. I work for a paycheck because that’s what a provider does for their family. I don’t want to spin my wheels chasing after a dollar or approval from others. I feel pressure to preform & meet others expectations of me. I feel like I am cut off from all my relationships Monday-Friday. I want to be free to pursue the things I love! I still want to work. I just want to work a job that makes a difference in the lives of others. I want to be able to sit outside, read a book just for fun, workout consistently, pursue the things God has placed on my heart, & enjoy the creation God has created for me to enjoy. I want to be available to my daughter & others when needed or wanted instead of saying, “Sorry, I have to work.” I am tired of being so stressed about work that all I can see is what I need to get done each day in order to make it thru to the next day. I am tired of feeling like if one thing goes wrong everything is going to fall apart. I know work is a part of life, but it feels like it is my whole life right now. I am trying to accept it as grace from God that I have this job & this season, but I don’t understand why He wants me to work a job that produces distance from Him & others. Is it because I haven’t had to work so hard in my past? Is it because of sin in my life? What is it God? Why have You brought me to this place that separates me from being in relationships, which I was created for?
I wish I had an answer, but I don’t. What I do have is a real faith in a real God who is sovereign. I may not know why I am going thru all of this, but I do know God will bring good out of it in His timing. I know that I have a Father in heaven that loves me & will get me thru this very tough season. I know He can handle my feelings that aren’t pretty & He can handle all my doubts & questions about this season & His reasons.
Relationships begin with us being honest about our feelings & needs. God doesn’t just want the feelings that we think we are suppose to feel or talk about. He wants the good, bad, & ugly. God created us to have needs & feelings. Most of my current feelings don’t feel like the “godly” thing to feel if I am trusting God. Why do we categorize feelings as good, bad, acceptable, godly, or ungodly? Feelings aren’t good or bad, right or wrong; feelings are simply feelings. It’s ok to feel all of them because God created us to feel things. Sometimes I forget that it’s actually ok to talk about the feelings that don’t feel so good. So, instead I tell people what I think I am suppose to feel or give them an answer that totally avoids the feelings all together. I do not trust God less or more because of the way I feel. Those feelings are to remind me that I need God. I was created with needs. I need God in order to survive this life on earth & all that comes my way. I also need other relationships with people in order to live fully.
I have a problem of trying to do everything myself because I don’t like feeling needy. The feeling of being in need makes me feel vulnerable. I hate it. I don’t do it very often because it makes me feel weird inside. However, these exact feelings are how I get to see God work in my life. I confess my needs & He provides. But first I must be honest with God & myself about what I need & my feelings instead of hiding these things or dressing them up with churchy clichés that sounds good. He already knows what I need & what I am feeling anyway…He just wants me to be honest & confess my need to Him.
I don’t want to fake it til I make it anymore. I want to be real with God & others about my faith, my feelings, my needs, & all of my junk. Lets be honest with God, others, & ourself from now on. I believe our relationship with God & others would be a lot more fulfilling & attractive to others if we would just be real. If we were honest with each other about all the junk in our life others would feel free to be honest too.