Bittersweet Sufferings

Life is Hard. The last six months or so have been extremely difficult in my life. I truly understand the meaning of suffering in a different way than I’ve ever experienced. I’ve had physical pain & emotional pain on a whole nother level. I have had panic attacks & severe anxiety like I’ve never experienced before in my life. I’m an anxious person but this kind is different. It’s scary. I have had fear of dying at least once a week. I’ve been under extreme spiritual warfare. I literally feel like I’ve had a target on my back since December 31, 2022. It’s been one thing after another and not little things, but life threatening type of things. I’ve had non stop neck pain since January. I have not slept good in 6 months. Sleep has always been my jam so when I can’t sleep it takes a toil on my mental state of mind & body. I’ve experienced more death of friends & loved ones in the past six months than I have in 43 years of my life. I say all of that to let you know the kind of hard things I’ve been experiencing. But life has also been really sweet at the same time. Suffering & sweet blessings do coexist in the same season. We do have to try harder to see the blessings at times because suffering feels so overwhelming at times.

The sweet blessings – the Lord has showed me His love, mercy, grace, & faithfulness in so many ways throughout these 6 months. I’ve had peace even though I’ve had so much pain. I’ve had more joy this season than I have in years. I’ve experienced community in a fresh new way. I have been loved on & prayed over by my friends & women’s small group.
I’ve also had really bad days filled with pain & crippling fear. I wouldn’t even have words to pray only tears to shed. On these days I would either reach out to my people for prayer or someone would randomly text me to let me know they were praying for me. The Lord showed me I wasn’t alone & that He sees me & knows what I need even when I have no words to pray.

My encouragement is this- if you’re in a hard season of life make sure you’re surrounded by people who love you and pray for you. We are not meant to do life alone. If you don’t have people that pray for you, I will pray for you. Call me, text me, or message me & let me know what’s going on. I will pray for you & do my best to be a supportive friend to you.

I wanted to share some of my current life struggles in case someone else might be on the struggle bus too. You aren’t alone. We are all going through something, coming out of something, or about to go into some type of hard circumstance. Suffering is a part of life. And if you’re a Christian it is a bittersweet part of our life. We are called to suffer in order to be like Jesus Christ. If I’m honest I don’t want to suffer at all. But if I am to be like Christ then it’s part of my calling. So if and when I do suffer, I want it to glorify the Lord. Suffering can be used to glorify the Lord when we go through it surrendering our will to the Lord, praising Him through it, and trusting Him even when we don’t understand it. Remind yourself daily that God is in control and He is sovereign over all of it. He is faithful & He will be with us in our sufferings. I am constantly reminding myself of these things especially as I am still in a season of suffering.

“For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1‬:‭5‬ ‭


Blanket of Peace

This month has been rough! I feel like I’ve done something wrong and maybe I’m being punished for it. I know that’s not true, but I have had that thought cross my mind. I recognize it’s the enemy wanting me to doubt God’s goodness & His faithfulness. So I remind myself of God’s truth and choose to believe Him over the lies of the enemy. It’s not easy to do especially when life feels really hard. I can do hard things. I’m not one to throw in the towel or go cry in a corner when things are hard. I tend to scream or yell instead…Just keeping it real y’all 🤣. I have a high tolerance for pressure, pain, & hard things. But lately I’ve found myself feeling exhausted by it all. I’m exhausted because I haven’t had a good nights sleep in 3 weeks.

It started back a few weeks ago when my air conditioner went out. It took a week to get replaced. I didn’t get much sleep during that week. On Sunday the day after the A/C was replaced I hurt my back washing the dogs. That was painful which made it hard to sleep for another week. Finally I start feeling better but ended up throwing my back out AGAIN on the following Saturday. I felt pain from my back down to my toes. I thought I broke my back. That is how bad it hurt. Tears welled up in my eyes as I tried to make it to the bed to lay down. I laid there for about 5 mins contemplating whether or not I should call 911. I was in excruciating pain, but I didn’t have my phone near me so I had to lay there until I could move again. Once I pulled myself up off the bed and rose to my feet I felt a little better. It still hurt but not to the point of going to the emergency room. I have been dealing with that pain for about a week now. It’s been pretty bad every day especially at night when I go to bed. So here I am functioning on very little sleep over the last 3 weeks and my truck breaks down. Yes, my brand new truck is sick. It needs a new lifter (whatever that is) & possibly an entire engine. Like what is going on in my life? But that’s not all…I can’t even get a loaner vehicle or a rental because no one has any available!!! NO ONE! How does this even happen? How are there no rental cars available anywhere? How am I supposed to go to work & make a living?

So you see there are many things out of my control right now which typically makes me very anxious or angry. However, I have had a blanket of peace through it all that can only be explained by Gods grace. I keep feeling peace instead of despair in all these things I’ve been dealing with. I have even laughed about it a few times. (Probably because I’m losing my mind 🤣.) I didn’t realize until the last two days how much God was fighting for me and giving me His peace through all of this adversity. He is so faithful in everything we go through even when we aren’t aware of it. I’m grateful for God’s sovereignty in every area of life. He has all things under control even if it looks or feels out of control.

Do you want racism to end?

“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of Your throne;
Lovingkindness and truth go before You.” Psalms 89:14

I am all for justice because my God is a God of justice. The foundation of His throne is righteousness & justice. Therefore, we should be people who want justice for those who have been treated unjustly.

It is clear racism still exists and we need to acknowledge it instead of staying silent & indifferent towards it. The change needed in the world on racism & justice starts with Jesus. He was the 1st & only righteous Man murdered without any just cause because He is the only One without sin. He gave His life so that we might live for Him and be His hands & feet on earth. So if we want justice for the unjust killings of black lives then we must first see the injustice done to Jesus on the cross. We must be angry & heartbroken over His death & injustice before any other life. 

I believe if we start here then black lives & all other lives of any color will start to matter. If we seek God first & His will then we will see a change in culture for the greater good. If our nation will return to God be a nation who seeks the Lord, I know hearts will change & black lives will matter to the people of God. Every life is valuable to God & if we are to be like Him then all lives will be valuable to us too.

We can share all the unjust acts done to black lives along with information to educate us on understanding racism which I believe is needed too. But a true change of heart against racism will not happen until we are people who seek the Lord first with all of our heart, mind, soul, & strength. If you want to see racism start to come to an end & justice served, start seeking the Lord first, read the Bible daily, walk in the ways of the Lord, share the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ with others. I believe if we do this then racism will not be tolerated in those who are true followers of Jesus Christ.